It Got Worse*Part 20*

Warning: Domestic Violence, Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Narcissistic Behavior, Suicide mention/discussion, Alcohol mention

It was a weird time. Losing your friend and losing more of your freedom. Becoming a someone’s property by marriage. The relationship was completely different for about a week. He was obsessed with finding out the truth about H. Blaming himself for forcing the gun into his possession. He was trying to figure out a reason for it. He never understood suicide. He thought it was a pathetic and a fools way out. He couldn’t grasp the concept fully. Wouldn’t accept it. But I took it differently, I wanted to end my life, I thought about it since middle school. And now losing a friend it was a weird and scary feeling. I don’t think I can describe the feeling to anyone.

He was less physically violent and more verbally violent and sexually violent. The sexual assault and sodomy continued at a all time high. He began to get into weird sexual “kinks”. If you could call it that. I for one don’t consider anything he liked as a kink. I considered it the works of a absolutely sick disgusting thing that he was no is. Knowing what kink is now and having seven years of knowledge and gaining education on it I can confidently say I am correct in my view.

He would force me to watch porn with him. Forced me to tell him what I enjoyed the most. If I picked a wrong “part” or “thing” I would get lectured and called names and degraded. He would constantly tell me I was lying. I was, I wasn’t enjoying any of it. Do you know how hard it is to fake something for over a decade? To try to show interest in some fucked up sexual thing your abuser enjoyed and forced you to watch? If your not convincing enough you got beat and smothered and then sodomized. After all everything out of my mouth was lie, but I still had to play his game if I wanted to breathe before I had to cover my screams and dissociate from the sodomy. All why acting like I was enjoying it. Or It would be a long, hurtful, sleepless night. My alters got me through this. Unknown to me. Making me dissociate and taking over for me. Saving me from the horrors, the pain. The decade long abuse. If it wasn’t for them I would be dead or a shell of myself. Though I truly believe its the latter. They helped take away many huge deeply traumatizing parts that I am still unaware of. But they kept those from breaking me.

During this time we were still working and seeing Y. I would go to work, go home on lunch pick him up for work. Then we would spend break together, then I had to go home after work. Then come back on his lunch and bring him food and sit with him. Then drive to Y’s house out of town and then watch her daughter so she could drive in to work. Then at midnight he and her would drive back following each other to pick me up. I had no time for myself. I can say that Y and our relationship was interesting. I was enthralled. First girlfriend ever. But I wasn’t happy. She began to show less and less interest. So I began to distance myself emotionally. Tyler was pushing me to talk to her. He didn’t seem to understand what was happening. Around this time Tyler’s mom left the state to visit family. So obviously he wanted Y to stay with us since we were alone. He cooked for her, which he rarely did, he was definitely love bombing her. He and Y had days to themselves why I worked. He was so upset because he couldn’t get it up. He couldn’t do what he wanted with her without me there. He was livid. It made me laugh inside.

Then when his mom came back. Y was staying with us still due to some issues with her roommate. Him and I went to work and she and her daughter stayed at the house with his mom. I get a call from Y saying his mom was yelling at her. Saying she was the devil, a snake, splitting up her and Tyler, with nefarious plans. We rush home and she is screaming. Tyler yelled at her. She yelled at me. I walked out helped Y gather her things and her daughter and went with her to her house. It was then that after the argument Tyler decided to move out of the apartment due to his moms behavior. It was only like 2-3 weeks but it was a turning point. We moved in with Y and her roommate. We were now at this point drinking every night. I never wanted to, but he did and forced me too. He had his plan of wanting the threesome or sex per usual. He would take me upstairs into the bathroom and whisper yell at me and grab me and shake me or slap my face if I didn’t listen. I was not getting any sleep at this point. He was making me watch the child after work, stay up all night drinking, lecturing me, possible sex, then back to work at 6am. I didn’t sleep for over four days at some points. Once I drove to work and almost crashed into the ditch from falling asleep at the wheel.

He barely slept but like I’ve mentioned somehow he could fully function on no sleep. Then things started to get weird and messed up. He started to get snoopy. He started telling me she was acting weird, more isolating, less talkative, less interested in him. She confessed she missed her ex. That set him off, I could see it in his face, even though he didn’t show it. I was understanding telling her I get it and its totally normal and it takes time. That I was sorry she was struggling with those emotions and I was there for her. He was not so understanding. Asking why she needed to miss someone that is now her ex. Someone she had issues with. That it was stupid. He would tell me to fix it. That what I said to her was not ok. That my behavior was wrong. Then he became a snoop. Looking through her phone. Her tablet. Forcing me to. I didn’t want to. I remember it vividly. He sat on her couch and told me to search for the tablet. I told him no. That it wasn’t our business and that she has a life and its not our place to look or mess with. That it is not okay and I didn’t want to. He got up, grabbed me and threw me on the couch. Smothering me, pushing me hard and deep into the couch. Almost wedging me and my head into the slit in the cushions. The wood was digging into my forehead. I was scratching at my face and his hands to breathe. Kicking, and trying to get away. I passed out that time. I awoke to him yanking me up and throwing me onto the floor. Telling me to stop acting dramatic and get the fuck up. I was so dizzy and I didn’t even remember where I was fully. He told me it was all my fault and that i deserved it because I didn’t listen to him. He made me look for it again and he took it and read the messages and then he confronted her that night.

After he confronted her, after a few beers, she and him were yelling and she was so upset, rightfully about the snooping. I told her the truth that I didn’t want to and that I was sorry. She looked at me and was like “I didn’t suspect you and If you were involved I new it was all him anyway.” He gave me a huge look of fuck you your dead. Its funny/fucked up how domestic abuse survivors can hear their abusers words exactly just from a look. They argued for hours, I sat there on the stairs, he made me stay up all night I had work at 4am for inventory. She ended up leaving. She left her daughter and just drove off. He kept me up until I had to leave for work. Yelling at me, telling me I was stupid and hitting me. He dragged me up the stairs by my hair at one point and sodomized me. I barely remember it. It was painful and I remember looking at the wall and how textured it was. One of the parts were shaped like a banana and girl. I focused on that.

I got dressed and remember heading to the truck to go to work. She showed up, hickies all over her. I knew immediately that she went to her exs. She had texted and said she was at her moms early that morning to him i guess. I didn’t know till later. I knew he was going to be down right pissed. I left for work and almost wrecked. He called me right as I pulled into work. Told me to come back and to call into work. I did and came back. I listened to them argue more and then it was over. All of it. We packed up our clothes and left. He cried for months. I cried but not because I missed her. I cried because I wished I was as strong as her. To stand up to him, to have a voice. I was sad she got out and i didn’t. But I also cried with happiness for her safety. I was happy it was over. It was the worst several months. I was so exhausted. I always was sleep deprived, but being sleep deprived and drinking and abused is a different kind of exhausted.

This was the end of our thruple. But the beginning of his hunt. But also the opening of the door to help me get out.